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Long Distance Parenting? Yes, there is such a thing! How Am I Dealing With Mom Guilt

Becoming a mom to Meriam Alisha is one of the best things that have ever happened. She is my blessing from God Alhamdullilah! She is the light of my eyes. My little princess. I never thought I would become a girl mom but I am and I am darn proud of it.

If you guys have been following my journey, I remember briefly telling you that I had to leave my little one back home in order to study full time. Meriam grew up in Herndon. I moved to Herndon December 12th, 2018. As she grow up in Herndon, I finished my schooling and obtained my Graduate degree. In addition to this, I worked a full time job (I don't get child support) and came home to take care of my little babe. I try to spend as much time with her as possible. I am adamant on building positive memories for Meriam.

After finishing my first semester of medical school at home, the school announced they were transitioning to in-person classes. I had to make a decision to whether I should take Meriam with me or no. At first, I was adamant on moving the little one to the South with me, put her in full time day care while I attend classes and study. I had her daycare and my apartment chosen. It wasn't until my family had a serious talk with me. They told me that I was only going to be there for 1.5 years to complete basic sciences and I would do my clinical in VA (M3 and M4). They didn't agree that it was a wise decision to move Meriam with me to the south because she grew up in a very stable and family oriented home. She had a routine yet. I was so heartbroken! I cried for days. I knew what they were telling me was the truth. It wouldn't make sense to take her away from her family and her home (even though I am HER mother). I had to make a decision that would positively affect her long term. Not short term. Hence, I made the decision where my mother became her legal guardian and caretaker while I was away in school. I am a very emotional girl. I am a big lover! My heart always yearns to help and nurture. I knew I wanted to give Meriam the best life she can have. If that means I have to temporarily leave her for a little bit, I would make that sacrifice to secure a better future for both of us.

Transitioning from being a full-time mom/student to only a full time student really messed up my routine. I wasn't sure how to become a full time student because I had a set routine with Meriam along with school it. It was challenging. My mind was used to juggling hats from being a mom to student, then back to being a mom. Once I started Medical School, I decided to stick with my early morning schedule but during the ”times” I used to spend with Meriam. I replaced it with schooling or cooking. I even added hobbies to keep distracted.

I am telling you, it is not easy. Mom guilt is very much real. I have missed out on Meriam’s third birthday, I couldn’t even potty train her. She is learning how to talk and write a little but it is mostly my mother’s doing with her progress and reaching her developmental milestones. There are times that I think going to medical school is a mistake. I feel like I am not the perfect parent. I set these idealistic expectations about myself. There are times, I have to remind myself that I am only human and I can only do so much. So if i have to leave for little bit to give Meriam and I a better future. I will. And It sucks, that I have to leave her and miss her developmental milestones. It sucks that I can’t be here to take her outside like how I used to do. As a reminder, this is a temporary phase that I have to push through. Why give up now?

I am so close to the finish line that I won’t give up.

I don’t know how to overcome mom guilt. It’s a part of me that I am struggling with. The only thing I can tell myself is not to give up and remind myself, it is okay to be human and it is okay to feel.

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